You Have Zero Match(es)
by Arglefumph
Summary: The Wright and Co Law Offices gets free coupons to speed dating. It does not go well.
1. Chapter 1

"Come on, it's time to check!" Athena said.

"I don't want to do this," Apollo said, shaking his head. "Last night was embarrassing."

"But you _have_ to! What if your true love is out there, waiting for you?"

"I don't think that's likely."

"Loser!" Widget said.

"Widget! Quiet!" Athena said. "Look, aren't you even a _little_ curious to see if you got any matches? Besides, Mr. Wright will be mad at you, if you don't."

" _Fine_ ," Apollo said. He closed the document he was looking at, then started up his Internet browser. He went to the NIAB Speed Dating website and logged on. His mouse hovered over the "your results" link.

"What are you waiting for?" Athena asked.

"They said the results don't show up until 10:00 AM," Apollo said. "It's only 9:58."

"You're totally delaying," Athena said. "What's wrong? I thought you said you had fun last night."

"I lied," Apollo said. "It was awful."

"What?" Athena asked. "What are you saying? I had lots of fun at speed dating!"

Apollo's wrist throbbed. "Ow!" he said, grabbing his hand. "See, _that's_ why it was awful!"

"What?"

"Don't you remember?" Apollo said. "My bracelet twitches every time someone tells a lie! And last night, it was twitching like crazy! I'm probably going to have a bruise from this."

Athena was not impressed. ""Then why don't you...I dunno...take your bracelet off?"

"I can't," Apollo said. "This is the only thing I have to remember my mother by."

Athena's hand went to Widget. "I understand," she said softly. "So...you're saying that the girls lied to you last night?"

"They lied a _lot_ ," Apollo said. "Maybe they wanted to impress me, or something."

Athena sighed. "Well, that explains why you yelled 'GOTCHA!' at that one girl."

Apollo grinned sheepishly and ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah, I guess I went on cross-examination autopilot, for a moment there..."

"To be honest...oh! It's ten now! Check! Check!"

"Okay, I'm checking!"

Apollo clicked the link.

 _Welcome, Apollo Justice! Here are your results for the 18-25 year old speed dating event!_

 _You have zero match(es)._

"Of course," Apollo sighed.

To her credit, Athena didn't laugh at Apollo. She merely pushed him out of his chair. "My turn!"

"Hey!" Apollo said.

Athena logged off as Apollo, then logged in as herself. "I betcha, I have fifty matches!" she said.

 _Welcome, Athena Cykes! Here are your results for the 18-25 year old speed dating event!_

 _You have zero match(es)._

"Oh, come on!" Athena said. "This thing must be broken!"

Apollo started chucking. "And you gave me so much grief about not wanting to see my results! What happened to _you_ , Lover Girl?"

Athena looked down at the ground, embarrassed. "Okay...I only picked two people as matches."

"Only two? Weren't there, like, thirty guys there?"

"Yeah, but they were all perverts and slobs!"

"They seemed pretty nice to me," Apollo said.

"You can't hear people's hearts," Athena said. "Most of the guys had...ill intentions towards me. Or they just plain didn't like me."

"Ill intentions? What does _that_ mean?"

"Sheesh, don't you know anything? It means they wanted one night stands!" Athena said. "Anyway, how come you didn't pick me as a match? I picked you!"

"I-you-what?" Apollo gasped. "You want to date me?"

"No, of course not," Athena said, rolling her eyes. "We can't date each other. We're co-workers, and besides, you're a little too uptight for me."

"Can't argue there, I guess..." Apollo said. "Then why did you pick me as a match?"

"Because we're _friends!_ "Athena explained.

"I don't need your pity matches," Apollo said, cold-faced.

"Better a pity match than no matches at all, I guess..." Athena said.

That was the end of the conversation, until Phoenix came back from his break. He took a long drink from his bottle of grape juice, then put it down on his desk. "Ahhhhh," Phoenix said. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

"No, sir, boss! Quiet as usual!" Athena said, saluting.

Apollo looked over his computer. "Mr. Wright? The next time you get coupons for that speed dating place?"

Phoenix raised his eyebrows in interest. "Yeah?"

"Give them to someone else. Not us."

Phoenix cracked a smile. "Let me guess. It was a total disaster?"

"How'd you know?" Athena asked.

Phoenix chuckled. "The guy who runs those events is an old friend of mine. Larry. He's the one who gave me those half-off coupons in the first place. It's not too surprising if the event didn't work out like it was supposed to. Larry's track record with romance is...less than stellar."

"And he runs a speed dating business?" Athena asked.

"I know, right? Some of my friends are weird like that," Phoenix said.

"I'll say," Apollo muttered.

"Get back to work, Apollo!" Phoenix ordered.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that day, Phoenix had a phone conversation with Maya. She expressed regret that most of their communication these days was by phone or letter.

"I wish I could visit you more often," Maya said. "You always make me feel young again."

"You're not that old," Phoenix laughed.

"I'm 27 now. The same age Mia was, when she...died," Maya said.

"Oh," Phoenix said. He hadn't thought of it that way, before.

"And besides, Mystic Jessica got engaged last week. That means I'm the only one from our graduating class who's still single," Maya complained. "Talk about making me feel super-old."

"I didn't feel any older when Larry got engaged," Phoenix said.

"Yeah, but he's been engaged, like, three times by now," Maya said.

"Five times," Phoenix said. "Six, if you count my 30th birthday party."

"Whatever. It's like a yearly ritual with him at this point," Maya said. "But hey, how are you doing on the dating scene? Have any good dates lately?"

Phoenix felt the beginnings of a cold sweat on his forehead.

"I bet getting your badge back has helped you out a lot with the ladies. Women love lawyers, you know? Besides, all the girls your age probably want stability. 'Cause they're working on their second marriages by now."

 _Yep,_ Phoenix thought. _I'm definitely sweating._

"Nick, I know you're still on the line. I can hear you breathing."

"Er...Maya..." Phoenix said, scratching the back of his head. "I don't feel comfortable talking about this..."

"Tough. We're talking about it," Maya insisted. "I mean, we _never_ get a chance to talk about relationship stuff with each other. Pearly always interrupts."

"I, uh...I guess you're right there..."

"So I'll repeat my question. Had any good dates lately?"

Phoenix's mind scrambled around for an answer. "Trucy!" he said at least.

"What?"

"I can't date anyone, because of Trucy. How many guys my age have eighteen-year-old daughters? She really scares away any potential dates, ha ha." Phoenix chuckled weakly.

"First off, Trucy is adorable, and everyone loves her. Second off, you don't mention your daughter until the first date."

"What? Don't you mention it upfront?"

" _No_ , Nick! Don't you know anything? Look, what if I came up to you and said, 'Hi, I'm a spirit medium, and 90% of my family members kill each other!'? What would you say, then?"

"I...I guess I'd be a little freaked out."

"Exactly. It's like the time I went out with that bank manager dude."

"What?"

"I have a life, you know!" Maya huffed. "Anyway, we started talking about what we do, and he didn't like the spirit medium stuff. He said I was crazy, then he said I was fat, then he said I have bad taste in TV shows. So I busted him in the nose."

"You hit someone?!"

"He deserved it. Anyway, worst blind date ever," Maya said. "So I don't want to hear any excuses from you. There's no way your dates can be worse than _that_."

"I...um..."

Maya sighed. "You haven't been on a date in months, have you? That's why you're trying to dodge this conversation."

"Guilty," Phoenix said. "I haven't seen anyone since Iris moved away."

"Since Iris...Nick, that was, like, three years ago!"

"I've been busy!"

"Doing nothing! Unless you want to marry your toilet brush, you've got to step up your game!"

"My life is not a videogame!" Phoenix protested.

"If it was, it wouldn't be a dating sim, that's for sure!" Maya said. "Need me to introduce you to one of my spirit mediums? I can't be the only old maid in this village."

"Maya...Maya...Maya," Phoenix said, searching for something intelligent to say. His hands scrambled all over his desk, and like magic, they found themselves on top of the coupons for Larry's speed dating business.

Then Phoenix had an awful idea.

"You know, if you're looking for a boyfriend, I have an idea that could help..." he said casually.


	3. Chapter 3

Phoenix and Maya stared at the obviously handmade sign. _NIAB Speed Dating: No Ifs, Ands or Butz! Tonight: Ages 25-35._

"This is going to be a disaster," Phoenix said.

"They spelled 'Buts' wrong," Maya noted.

"No, they didn't," Phoenix said. "That's Larry's last name."

"What? You didn't tell me Larry was involved!"

"He's kind of...the owner of the business?"

"Oh, no. No way," Maya said. "I am **not** _that_ desperate. I'm going home."

"Hey, you came all the way out here for this!" Phoenix said. "Besides, you can't leave me alone here. I need the moral support."

"What you _need_ is a restraining order against Larry. Every time he shows up in your life, bad stuff happens."

"Says the woman who's a murder magnet..." Phoenix muttered, as he pushed open the door.

The speed dating event was being held at a bar. The entire place smelled like alcohol and depression. "I dressed up for this?" Maya asked, out of the corner of her mouth.

Phoenix smirked and looked around the bar. "Looks like the sign up is...oh. Oh no."

"What is it?" Maya asked, but then she saw it, too. "Mr. Edgworth?"

"I'm going to die now," Phoenix said.

Maya grabbed Phoenix's arm to stop him from leaving. "Hey, Miles! Over here!"

Edgeworth raised his eyebrows in surprise, then walked over to the two friends. "What a surprise," he said softly. "I didn't expect to see anyone I knew here. I suppose Larry roped you two into attending?"

"Yes," Phoenix said.

"No," Maya said at the same time. She shot a look at Phoenix. "I'm here for Nick's sake. Can you believe he hasn't been on a date in three years?"

"Yes," Edgeworth said. "Yes, I can."

"Ow," Phoenix said.

"And it's not easy for me to find any boyfriends in Kurain. Everyone knows me there," Maya said. "This could be a good chance to meet someone new! Or blow off some steam, whatever."

"I see," Edgeworth said. He smiled. "How are things in Kurain? You've been the master of the village for...six years now?"

"Almost nine," Maya said. "Technically, I became the master when my mother died, but the official ceremony was two years after that."

"I see," Edgeworth said. "And Wright, you've been busy recently. Three trials in two weeks?"

"How did you know that?" Phoenix asked.

Edgeworth shook his head. "I'm the Chief Prosecutor. I pick which prosecutors are assigned to which trials."

"Oh," Phoenix said. "In that case, could you start assigning Prosecutor Payne to every case that I'm defending? It'd make things easier on..."

"No," Edgeworth said. Phoenix frowned in response.

The three friends chatted for a while, before Phoenix and Maya had to sign themselves in, at the signup table. Larry had nametags for them, with names and numbers.

"Each table has a number, right? So you sit at the table with your number on it! Super simple," Larry said. "You get ten minutes to chat with the person there, then all the guys move on to the next table. We'll do that over and over again, until everyone's met everyone."

"Wait..." Phoenix said. "There are twenty women here. If I spent ten minutes with each one, that'll take over three hours."

"I meant five minutes," Larry said. "Sorry, I'm bad at math."

"So where do these papers come in?" Maya asked, holding up the piece of paper that Larry had given her. It had a list of all the men's names and numbers. Phoenix had a similar paper, with all the women's' names.

"That's for note keeping! It'll help you keep track of everyone you meet," Larry said. "The important thing is to mark yes or no, for whether you want to date someone or not. I'll let you know if you get any matches."

"What if I meet someone I like, but not someone I want to pursue a relationship with?" Phoenix asked.

"You're a dude, Nick. Mark 'yes' for all of them. Because the babes we got here tonight are STUNNING."

"What about the guys you have tonight?" Maya asked.

Larry scratched his chin. "I guess they're all right. I mean, I wouldn't play golf with them or anything, but...hey, can I get you a drink? You'll like the guys better if you have some drinks."

"Larry, don't try to get your customers drunk," Phoenix advised.

"I'm not! I just like girls who...aw, never mind. You're such a buzzkill."

"Tell me about it," Maya said, smiling. "So when do we start?"

"As soon as everyone signs in," Larry said. "We've still got about four more people who haven't shown up yet. If they're not here in ten minutes, we start without them."

"All right!" Maya said. "Nick, you ready?"

"Ready to meet a bunch of strangers, who will judge me based on superficial evidence? Ready to have a five-minute conversation control the rest of my life? Ready to be publicly humiliated in a way that I haven't been since high school?" Phoenix asked.

"Maybe _you_ need a drink," Larry suggested.

"...You're probably right," Phoenix sighed.


	4. Chapter 4

Phoenix was assigned to number six. When he sat down at the table, a short, blue-haired woman was already sitting there. She was showing a good deal of cleavage, which was either a sign of self-confidence or extreme desperation.

"Hello," she said. "How are you?"

"Nervous," Phoenix admitted. "I've never done this before. Have you?"

"No," the woman said, shaking her head.

"I'm not sure what to say," Phoenix said.

"Let's start with the obvious questions. What do you do for a living?"

"I...I guess you could say I run a talent agency."

"You _guess_?" the woman asked.

"It's not much of a talent agency," Phoenix said. "We've only got one entertainer on our payroll. The other three people are lawyers."

The woman's eyes twitched. "Lawyers? You work with _lawyers?_ "

Phoenix gulped, at her unpleasant reaction. "Do...do you have a problem with lawyers?"

"I hate lawyers," the woman said. "I had a bad experience with one. Manfred von Karma."

"Ah," Phoenix said. That explained things. "I met him once. He was definitely a bad lawyer."

"The worst! He tried to get me a lifetime sentence!" the woman said, slamming her first on the table.

"What for?"

"Does it _matter?_ I was sent to jail, because of that creep!"

"Well, I know the Chief Prosecutor. Maybe I could have you vindicated."

The woman's blue hair fluttered as she let out a breath. "Unlikely. I was convicted for accessory to murder, just because I wiretapped some bimbo's office."

 _Wiretap?_

"I mean, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't. So is it _my_ fault? No."

 _"April May?"_ Phoenix asked.

The woman's face grew suspicious. "How do you know my name?"

"I'm Phoenix Wright. The defense attorney for the Mia Fey case?"

April's eye twitched. "Porcupine-Head?" she asked.

"Really? You're _still_ using that nickname for me?" Phoenix asked. "That was eight years ago."

"No, I call you [bad word], you [bad word]!" April May said.

"At least I didn't try to seduce the judge!" Phoenix snapped.

"You couldn't seduce a toaster!" April May said. "No wonder you're at a speed dating event! LOSER!"

"Hey, you're here, too! If I'm a loser, you're a double-loser!"

"I just got out of jail! What's your excuse?"

"I...I'm here for a friend."

"This is why I hate lawyers! They're all a bunch of liars!" April May said. She pulled out her paper and wrote " **NO** " in big letters next to Phoenix's name. "There, I made my decision. Now go away and leave me alone."

"I can't," Phoenix said. "We've still got..." he checked his watch "three minutes left before we move on to the next person."

"Hmph." April May said. She crossed her arms over her chest."

"..."

"..."

"...So why'd you dye your hair blue?"

"This is my natural color."

"Really?"

"Of course not, you idiot. Why don't you dye your gray hair, Grandpa?"

"My hair is black! Dark black!"

"It's gray."

"At least it's not orange like your prison jumpsuit," Phoenix said. "How'd you get out of jail, anyway? Did you seduce the prison guard?"

* * *

"Hi, I'm Ashley," said Bachelorette #7. She shook Phoenix's hand and stopped. "Oh my gosh, is your hand okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Phoenix said. "I just, um...got stabbed with a pencil."

"Really? How?"

Phoenix didn't feel like explaining what he said to anger April May. "It's a long story," he said.

"Long stories? I _love_ long stories! I heard one from my co-worker yesterday, about her trip to Paris! Like, Paris, France! You know, the country? Not the type of bagel. I wonder if you can get Paris bagels in Paris? Anyway, my friend was in Paris last month, and I don't know if she got bagels, but she _did_ go to this building with a crazy roof!"

Phoenix couldn't get a word in edgewise, as Ashley spent five straight minutes, talking about bagels and her co-worker. And bagels. And bagels some more. Finally, Larry rang the bell to have people move to the next table.

"Oh, darn, time is up!" Ashley said. "Well, it was nice talking to you!"

"Er, sure," Phoenix said. "Good luck finding those bagels."

"Ugh, weren't you listening to what I said? They were _croissants!_ " Ashley said, rolling her eyes.

Phoenix saw her mark off "no" on her piece of paper, before she turned to the next guy. "Hi, I'm Ashley! Do you like bagels?"

* * *

Phoenix's eyes widened, as he saw Bachelorette Number Eight.

"Franziska von Karma? Is that you?"

Franziska's eyes narrowed. "Phoenix Wright. We meet again."

"Wow, I haven't seen you in years! Larry roped you into coming here, too, huh?"

"Skip the small talk, you foolish fool," Franziska said. "Move on to the next table."

"What?"

"Don't waste my time. You aren't a romantic prospect. You are a pathetic attorney. How could you lose your badge to that fool, Klavier Gavin?"

"Hey, no need to be rude!" Phoenix said. "I was only-"

*WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP!*

"Ow! Not on the stab wound!"

Phoenix wisely decided to take a bathroom break after that.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello, I'm Annie," said the dark-haired woman at the next table.

"I'm Phoenix."

"How has your night been so far?"

"I've had better," Phoenix said. "You?"

"Awh, I'm sorry you haven't had a good time," Annie said. "I've had a _great_ time! I met this guy with _amazing_ eyes and cute hair! The cravat thing was a little weird, but I can handle it."

"Let me guess. Miles Edgeworth?"

"You _know_ him?"

"Ever since fourth grade," Phoenix said. "So, Annie, what do you do for a living?"

"My job isn't very interesting," Annie said. She leaned forward. "Tell me about Edgeworth! How did the two of you meet? Do you work together? Do you have his phone number? Because I'm worried he'll reject me, because I came on too strong, and it'd be _really awful_ if I never saw him again because of that. I mean, I don't _have_ to be his girlfriend or anything! We could just be friends! Friends who make out occasionally. (Oh, gosh, did I just say that out loud?) So you see, it's not anything really _romantic_ , so it'd be perfectly fine if you gave me his email address and real address and phone number and Twitter account name."

"I'm not here to talk about Edgeworth," Phoenix said firmly. "I'm here to talk about you! What do you do for a living?"

Annie was confused. "But who _wouldn't_ want to talk about Edgeworth?" Annie asked. "He is _so_ getting put on my list! Should I put yes, or super yes? Is super yes even an option? I mean, maybe it's not! I could always..."

Phoenix tuned Annie out for the rest of their talk. At least _she_ seemed to enjoy the conversation.

* * *

"Bachelorette Number Ten...oh no," Phoenix said.

"Bonjour! My name is Jean Armstrong!" said the large man sitting in front of Phoenix. "I am a chef who makes the yummy foods!"

"Mr. Armstrong, did you sign up as one of the women?"

"Oui! I am Clarise Armstrong, a pretty little lady!"

"...You just said your name is Jean."

"Oui, I am both Jean and Clarise! The handsome man and the beautiful lady! A stunning pair, no?"

Phoenix decided to hide in the bathroom again.

* * *

Bachelorette Number Eleven was even worse that Jean Armstrong, if that was possible.

"Hello, I'm Wendy," she said, sweetly.

"Ms. Oldbag?" Phoenix asked. "You're still ali-I mean, you're here?"

"Of course I'm here!" Oldbag snapped. "Where else would I be? I'm here to get myself a hot new boyfriend!"

"Okay, you are way too old for this," Phoenix said.

"Love knows no age limit, you whippersnapper!"

"Objection!" Phoenix said. "Tonight's speeddating event is for ages 25 to 35! That's not you!"

"JERK!" Mrs. Oldbag said. "Why, in my day, youngsters would respect their elders!"

She launched on a long rant, and Phoenix hid in the bathroom again. The bathroom was starting to get mighty familiar to him by now.

* * *

Number Twelve was a serious-looking woman in a dark blue suit. "Hello," she said. "I'm Nicole Riter. You can call me Nik."

"Hey, that's my name, too," Phoenix said. "Kind of. I'm Phoenix Wright, but my friends call me Nick."

"So, what do you do for a living?" she asked.

"I'm a defense attorney," he said.

"Really?" she asked. "I work for the Los Angeles County Bar Association. I haven't seen you there before."

"I'm more of a freelance attorney," Phoenix asked. He hadn't gotten around to joining any legal associations ever since he got his badge back.

"If you ever want to join, I could help you," she said. "It might get you some more clients."

"That'd be great," Phoenix said. "As long as I don't have to defend any more large mammals! Ha ha."

"Large...mammals?"

"I recently defended a whale from murder charges," Phoenix explained. "It was a lot like one of my earliest cases, where I cross-examined a parrot."

"Oh. You're one of _those_ attorneys," Nicole said.

" _Those_ attorneys? What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Never mind," Nicole said. "Speaking of legalities, did you know that the Chief Prosecutor is here tonight? What a scandal!"

"What's so scandalous about it?"

"Miles Edgeworth does _not_ deserve to be the Chief Prosecutor," Nicole said. "I mean, during the SL-9 case, he admitted that he fabricated evidence. Then he faked his own death, to avoid going to trial for it. Not to mention the fact that he constantly goes on nine-month vacations to other countries!"

"Yeah, but aren't those trips business-related? I thought he stopped some kind of international smuggling ring, operating out of Zheng Fa..."

"I heard about that," Nicole said. "Didn't he give up his prosecutor's badge, to go chasing after some black-haired teenager in a short skirt?"

Phoenix's eyes widened. He didn't know about _that_. "Are you serious?"

"Absolutely," Nicole said. "That man does not deserve to be Chief Prosecutor. It sets a bad example for every lawyer in the area. I told him as much."

"I bet he didn't take it well," Phoenix said.

"A minor understatement. He threatened to sue for slander. I doubt he will go through with it, but if he does...well, I'm prepared to defend myself."

"Good luck with that," Phoenix said. "I've faced Edgeworth in court several times now. He's a force to be reckoned with."

"Really?" Nicole asked. "I was under the impression that his last court appearance was with the Blackquill trial."

"Yes," Phoenix nodded his head. "I was there."

"But that would mean you're...wait...Phoenix Wright, _the Forging Attorney?_ "

"I did _not_ give official approval to that nickname!" Phoenix said.

"You caused the Dark Age of the Law!" Nicole accused.

"I was framed! It was all Kristoph Gavin's fault!"

"Yeah, I heard about that. You claim you were framed, because you won _a poker game_ ," Nicole said. "Aren't you supposed to be a drunken hobo or something?"

"That was a difficult time in my life," Phoenix admitted. "But it's over now."

"I couldn't believe it, when I heard you got your badge back," Nicole said. "But now it's obvious."

"What's obvious?"

"You're dating Miles Edgeworth. It explains why he set up a rigged jury trial demonstration. Anything to get his boyfriend back on the right side of the law!"

"That...it's...that's not true! If you say any more, I'll sue you for slander!"

"Bring it, Wright! I'm not afraid to fight the establishment!"

 _I'm part of the establishment? When did this happen?_ Phoenix wondered. _I forget legal stuff so often, I need a refresher on how trials work every single year!_


End file.
